The "Rite Of Cheese"

Lately I've been concerned that my dog may not be getting enough cheese. It is a valid concern as he does love his cheese but is unable to get any on his own. He does, therefore, have to rely upon me for his daily dose of the beyond curdled milk. We are both getting old and neither one of us is doing so gracefully. The little old dude is going on eleven years old and is deaf as a post. These days it takes him several tries to get up into the recliner with me, and I'm not supposed to bend, down like I would have to, in order to assist him in his endeavor to join me in the lap of reclining luxury. What does this have to do with my dog's relative cheese consumption? Nothing that I can think of other than it is more polite than talking about his undependable bodily functions which tend to be dependable in their undependableness.

Perhaps I should be concerned as to whether or not I am getting enough cheese. I do love cheeeeese Gromit! Besides, it is when I have cheese that the doggie gets his; cheese, that is. I buy the New York Extra Sharp cheese in oblong block form. I slice off about eight moderately thin slabs with Woody looking in on intently. Woody is the dog. He is part Miniature Collie and part Jack Russell Terrier which makes him a hybrid Kangaroo Rat. He may act the aging cripple when trying to climb into my lap but, when there is cheese in the offing, he will bounce as high as my chest until the cheese is offered; and I'm six one. Then the cheese ritual moves to the living room where I sit in either my recliner or in my computer desk chair.

With one paw on my knee and ears all agog, the old pup watches each bite I take. I take two bites out of every piece and Woody gets the remaining third of a piece; which he seems to swallow whole. To each his own way of enjoying cheese, I always say. I draw this activity our for about ten minutes until the last crumb is consumed. I show Woody that my hands are really and for truly empty of the last vestiges of deliciousness; and once convinced that I'm not holding anything out on him, he goes for a long lap at the water bowl. (I don't mean "lap" as in swimming, but "lap" as in to drink with tonge flung down into the water for to scoop.) Following that is the invariable conclusion of the "Rite Of Cheese." After his long water lap, he successfully climbs into my lap, on the first try, (oh, my) for a long nap in my lap.

Sad though it may seem, this is often the highlight of both of our days. Life is tough for old dogs like us; eat cheese, sleep, and successfully perform appropriate bodily functions. Hopefully in a dependable manner.

LAUGH AND THE WORLD LAUGHS

I haven't even seen the movie but I like the idea of having a comic for President and I believe that Robin Williams would be an excellent choice for the head man. Having been blitzed with political campaign ads for the last few months it has become very clear to me that all that these so called "public servants" are interested in is their own self serving agendas. Public interest does not enter into the equation nor does common sense by any stretch of the imagination. From what I have seen these bozos should be relegated to proclaiming their oft times moronic ideals in the pages of the National Enquirer and other such questionable pieces of literature.

We, the people, should set new qualifications and guidelines for the powers that be. Anyone running for public office must be a legal citizen of the United States though not necessarily native born. They must have an IQ larger than their in-seam and be able to pass a common sense test; two important qualities that our present politicos are sadly lacking. They should also have a minimum of five years experience as a stand up comedian. I have noticed that the more widely traveled comics have a more worldly view of life, the universe, and so on. While the grinning idiots on TV are obviously afflicted with tunnel vision; comedians are just as obviously blessed with panorama vision, and are more able to see the big picture.

I have a few suggestions and alternates for some of the more important positions. Robin Williams or Carlos Mencia for President. Emo Phillips or Adam Sandler for Vice President as that is the one job that requires neither brains or the ability to shoot straight. Lewis Black or George Carlin for Secretary of State, two of the most common sense blessed people I know. Eddie Murphy or Steven Wright for Secretary of Defense. Because of his experience with flea markets, Larry the Cable Guy would be well suited for Secretary of the Treasury; as would Bill Cosby, just because he is a nice guy and he seems trustworthy. How about Jerry Seinfeld or Jamie Fox as director of Homeland Security? The list goes on and there would be no lack of qualified contenders. Yes, I know I haven't covered all nationalities, or any women comedians, but there are many, very qualified personalities. I just can't bring any others to mind right now.

All this country needs is a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at itself. A pie in the face never killed anyone and a whoopee Cushion can defuse even the most tense situation. I say we give it a try; we have nothing to lose and it would be good for a few laughs at the very least.